I am having a hard time living with my in laws, they expect me to cook and clean all the time, whenever I am sick or feeling unwell and I don’t cook my mother in law has a problem, she always gets involved in my married life and wants to know every detail. Whenever I am away from home she goes into my room and goes through everything, she changes the order around and adjusts everything in my room to her liking.
Whenever I raise these issues with my husband he ignores them acting as though they are not important or he blames me and says I am over reacting. If he does decide to tackle the issue he goes to the extreme and says don’t do anything at all, you don’t have to cook clean etc, who tells you to do anything.
My mother in law comes into my room and decides to do the laundry, I have told her I don’t like it but she just continues to do so, my husband’s excuse is that she is helping me. I am always lied to regarding any family issues, for example if my husband pays for things inside the house everybody lies to me and try to keep it hidden away from me, to avoid misunderstandings I ask my husband directly but he also lies to me and it is only later on when he slips up that I find out the truth. Being treated like this and being lied to really upset and I do not feel as though I am a part of the family because this is not how a family member should be treated.
Whenever me and my husband have an argument his parents get involved and make the matter even worse, they stop taking to me and ignore me for days.
I come from a different country and left my family and friends for the sake of marriage, my husband never appreciates this and does not take an interest in my life. He does not care if I do not have friends, I get so bored being at home all day doing housework and having no one to interact with, when I raise this issue with my husband he takes no interest and says go on the laptop. One day when I got angry I broke his laptop and said is this always your excuse, his parents got so mad at me for breaking their sons laptop that they actually physically harmed me.
I am so upset in my marriage, I feel as though nobody cares about me or takes any interest in my life, I cannot even take a break and go to my parents’ house because they live in a different country to me. Above are just some of the issues I have to deal with, please can you advise me with how I should react, if I don’t say anything out of respect for my husband and his family they will never change, if I raise the issue they look down on me and ignore me.
I spend my days and most of my nights crying, it feels as though I have forgotten what the meaning of happiness truly is. I miss my family and friends and honestly wish to leave my husband and go back to them. However I do sabr and make dua thinking this will be over but its difficult to change people and their habits.
We tried moving out and living on our own but my husband wasn’t too happy, his parents would force me to stay over whenever we came to visit them and when I said no they got angry at my husband so he decided to stop talking to me and sleeping in a different room, I don’t even understand what I am doing wrong to be treated like this. These are not rules that Allah has put on me rather they are manmade rules and I am just obliged to go along with them because if I don’t then everyone gets upset at me.
I would appreciate your advice of what to do in this situation and if it is permissible for me to leave my husband and go back to my parents (are the above reasons valid for a divorce)
JazaakAllah for your time.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Sister in Islam,
We sympathize with you in your difficult situation.
Life is full of tests and trials. Every individual is being tested in a different way. It is the duty of every believer to please Allah Ta’ala in whatever condition he/she may be in. The true happiness and success is in only in the Hereafter.
We have studied your situation. Our advice is that you make the marriage work rather than break the marriage.
To begin with, it is essential to understand that everything is in the control of One Allah Ta’ala. Therefore, on a daily basis, perform 2 Rak’aat Salatul Hajah and beg Allah Ta’ala to grant you happiness in this marriage.
Make an effort to portray the best of your Akhlaaq (Character) to your husband as well as your mother-in-law in all conditions and circumstances. It may be challenging, but keep in mind the high and lofty rewards in store for the person who exhibits good conduct, especially in difficult situations. Consider the following Hadith:
عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ: «مَا مِنْ شَيْءٍ أَثْقَلُ فِي الْمِيزَانِ مِنْ حُسْنِ الْخُلُقِ» (سنن ابي داود, بَابٌ فِي حُسْنِ الْخُلُقِ)
It is reported that Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam said, “The heaviest of good deeds on the scale is good character.” (Sunan Abi Dawood)
Allah has created human beings desirous of love. Everyone is looking for love. Through showing love and affection to your mother-in-law, Insha Allah you will win her heart. Allah Ta’ala states in the Quran:
وَلَا تَسْتَوِي الْحَسَنَةُ وَلَا السَّيِّئَةُ ادْفَعْ بِالَّتِي هِيَ أَحْسَنُ فَإِذَا الَّذِي بَيْنَكَ وَبَيْنَهُ عَدَاوَةٌ كَأَنَّهُ وَلِيٌّ حَمِيمٌ (سورة فصّلت، رقم الآية 34)
Good and evil are not equal. Repel evil with that which is better (by good conduct and kindness). Thereupon the one whom between you and him is enmity (will become) as if he is a very close friend. (Surah Fussilat, Verse # 34)
This verse is clear that showing love and affection will win the other person’s heart.
Try to establish your love in your mother-in-law’s heart by practicing the following actions:
- Be the first to say Salaam
- Always meet her cheerfully with a smile
- Take your mother in law like your own mother
- Occasionally ask her regarding her health
- Occasionally ask her if she needs any assistance
- Occasionally engage in light-hearted conversations with her
- Occasionally give her gifts
- Overlook the negative behavior of your mother-in-law towards you
- Avoid any confrontation with your mother-in-law
- Try to look at her good qualities and praise her in front of other people (especially your husband)
If the home becomes a place of love and affection for one another, it will be a Jannah in this world.
Furthermore, we advise you to have a daily Ta’leem session in your house wherein all the family members sit together for at least 5-10 min. and read a few Ahadith of Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam. The following three books should be recited alternatively:
- Fadhaail al-A’maal by Mol. Zakariyya Kandehlawi Rahimahullah
- Fadhaail as-Sadaqaat by Mol. Zakariyya Kandehlawi Rahimahullah
- Muntakhab al-Ahaadith by Mol. Yusuf Kandehlawi Rahimahullah
This will be a means of Malaaikah (Angels), Rahmah (Mercy), Sakeenah (peace) and happiness coming into the house. This will cause the hearts of the family members to unite.
Lastly, we advise you to consult a senior or knowledgeable person in your locality who is a well-wisher, perhaps the Imam of your Masjid. Explain to him your situation from time to time and seek his good counsel. If need be, you and your husband should go to him for marriage counseling.
We ask Allah Ta’ala to grant you ease and comfort in your situation. Ameen.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
(Mufti) Abdul Azeem bin Abdur Rahman
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